The Wide World of Dirt

After over 1,250 hours of playtime in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe that resulted in me earning max VR online, I decided to sit down and use my noggin for something other than drifting and sniping people with banana peels: track rankings.

Now that the Booster Course Pass is long gone, Nintendo appears to have left us for good with a whooping 96 tracks to traverse, so in order for this ranking to not be exhaustive, I will be chopping this list up into easily digestible parts!

I outlined four key factors that determined what made a track good to me. I cannot possibly stress enough that these rankings are mine and full of my own biases and personal preferences.

Those four factors are: Fun Factor, Difficulty, Gameplay, and Vision.

Fun Factor is self-explanatory, Difficulty relates to how difficult the track is to race, Gameplay takes into account how well the track races, and Vision translates to how the track looks and fits within the game and its cup.

If you disagree with my rankings or opinions, that’s great, but don’t expect me to drop everything to revise this.

We’ll be starting from the bottom, so let’s meet up with Lakitu and hit the last track on our list.

#96: Sky-High Sundae

When I saw this track pop up in the trailer for the second wave of the Booster Course Pass, the visuals jumped off the page, and everyone and their mother online jumped for joy after seeing anti-gravity being used.

Then, the track dropped, and it bypassed even my lowest expectations. This track is bad in every conceivable way.

If you like this track, good for you! Close your eyes because I’m about to be mean.

Sky-High Sundae is the final track of the Propeller Cup, and it confounds me how this track ended up as the final track of anything but this list.

It’s an oval; that’s not a death sentence for a track on my list. However, it reduces this concept to what is essentially a static, yassified version of Excitebike Arena.

Nintendo added anti-grav to the track purely to placate the folks on social media complaining that it was not included in the first wave, which was a poorly-executed idea. It adds nothing of substance to the gameplay of the track.

With no possibility of performing shortcuts to make up time on your competitors, your race is effectively over if you’re eighth on the final lap. SHS only exists because it was in Tour and needed somewhere to go.

When Piranha Plant Pipeline gets excluded from the BCP and tracks like these find their way into the game, you have to wonder what on Earth went wrong in the development of this track, especially when they were capable of making tracks like Yoshi’s Island for Tour.

This track isn’t fun. It hardly looks good. The music is boring, and the gameplay and placement of the track provoke more questions than answers.

Grade: 4/40 (96th)

#95: Excitebike Arena

I never played the Excitebike series of games, so this track was not made for me.

The one thing that brought this track a touch higher than its yassified successor is the track layout changing practically every time you race there.

If you’re unaware, the placement of the jumps, ramps, and boost pads are randomized every time you play Excitebike Arena, much like how Animal Crossing bounces between different seasons.

That said, that stands as its only redeeming trait. It does have grass patches that you can shortcut to get an advantage, so another feather in its cap, I guess.

Nintendo made a good oval track once upon a time, but their last two attempts flopped harder than a whale washing up on the beach.

Grade: 5/40

#94: Water Park

The second track of the Mushroom Cup for the base game lands third-to-last on my rankings, a track I’ve been racing on for over a decade now.

Naming the track “Water Park” evokes a lot of different imagery: splash pads, water slides, wave pools, and rafting.

Against all odds, Nintendo managed to incorporate none of the things that make a water park a fun place to visit.

The lone interesting part of this course is the big turn where you briefly leave the water to get items before descending back into the chlorine-filled abyss.

The chicane before the final hairpin is hardly a shortcut, and the gliding section towards the end has us flying through an active ferris wheel. A ferris wheel at a water park…

While we’re at it, what in the world is the thing that comes through the big turn of the course that’s holding different characters? I understand it’s some sort of ride, but is it supposed to be like a submersible?

This track is almost insultingly easy compared to Mario Kart Stadium. So much potential was left on the table with this track, which is a shame.

Grade: 6/40

#93: 3DS Toad Circuit

While its ranking is low on my list, I don’t dislike Toad Circuit.

In an HDRookie video I watched about the BCP, they explained that Toad Circuit’s addition translates to it not showing up as a retro track in the next Mario Kart game, which I view as a net positive.

There just isn’t much to Toad Circuit, though.

Long sweeping corners that allow players to generate drifts, a glider section that appears at the start of lap 2 (or lap 3 if you’re in the lead on lap 2 during 200cc races), and a final section full of pipes and sand.

I’m not interested in having a conversation about the texture of the grass at this track compared to tracks from the base game. I come to Mario Kart to race the track, not to look at the texture of the grass.

If you want to have that conversation, I suggest you touch some grass instead.

To be the second track of Wave 1 in the Golden Dash Cup, this track doesn’t hold the standard set by Paris Promenade’s gameplay and difficulty.

But, I urge you not to hate this track. It’s totally fine that we have legitimate race tracks to race on in the game. Tracks like these help tracks like Bone-Dry Dunes and Koopa Cape stand out in the lineup.

Grade: 6/40

#92: Ice Ice Outpost

If I did this list purely subjectively, this track would occupy spot #96.

I hate Ice Ice Outpost, which is a bold, public statement to make when I know that this track will inevitably pop up in online lobbies where people that read these rankings might populate.

This feels like a test track. There are interesting ideas like the split-path system and the few shortcuts carved into the ice. They feel undercooked.

Contrary to what you might think, I love ice physics in this game because it separates the field into people that actually know how to race from the people that spent more time trying to find NISCs.

Visually speaking, the track is very plain, being painted green and yellow completely throughout. Just reminds me of stomach acid.

The racing here isn’t interesting or fun. It slots in third in a tragically awful Triforce Cup (more on that later), and the track has no dazzle to it.

Grade: 7/40

#91: GBA Sunset Wilds

This track is the most controversial inclusion in the entire game; as such, it received a fair amount of consideration for being the worst track on this list.

Having sat on it for a considerable amount of time and run more races on it, I was able to at least find more fun in this track than the ones that rank below it.

Sandy desert tracks operate similarly to ice tracks in their lack of grip, which makes the driving a lot more difficult if you fail to compensate for that.

But, the most glaring issue with this track has nothing to do with how it races and has everything to do with the skybox.

(This will be the last time I talk about skyboxes in this ranking.)

In its original iteration on the Game Boy Advance, Sunset Wilds featured a gradual sunset, starting where the MK8DX version begins and fading into a deep purple by the time you start the third lap.

It was gorgeous and gave personality to the track. That personality is absent in this version.

Not only that, Nintendo insisted on taking creative liberties with the track’s layout, making this a much more streamlined and less visually interesting circuit.

Located in the Cherry Cup as the second track, it’s appropriate placement for its cup and can be fun to race on, but I’m left wondering what could have been here.

Grade: 9/40

#90: GBA Sky Garden

Remember how I mentioned Sunset Wild’s being moderately reconfigured? This wave 1 inclusion features a drastically altered layout that waters down the original.

A difficult sequence of turns is replaced with a bouncing mushroom. The final stretch is elevated and features a glider ramp that leads to the finish.

This removes the great final set of corners from the original, making it too easy.

I try not to harp on this much, but this track’s challenging layout made for good racing that is simply absent on this track with its cookie-cutter shortcut at the final hairpin.

They made an interesting track bland, setting the tone for the BCP.

Grade: 9/40

#89: Mario Circuit

The opening track of the Flower Cup, Mario Circuit looks like the Mobius Strip, wow. Yay. Woohoo.

The gimmick of the layout is cute and all. What baffles me is how people find enjoyment in this track but not other circuits. Let’s be clear: I really don’t care for this track, but as you’ll see, I do like certain circuits!

Mario Circuit should’ve been included in the Mushroom Cup with something else like Thwomp Ruins in its stead.

If you really (and I mean really) like to crank the wheel, you’ll love this track. Personally, I don’t get the hype at all, and I never look forward to a race here.

Grade: 10/40

(Top Photo Credit: Ele-Bros/DeviantArt)