The Wide World of Dirt

Welcome back for the second part of my definitive MK8DX track rankings!

Last time, I talked about the horrors of some GBA remakes as well as some circuits and a few underwhelming ovals.

This next set of tracks are a bit less scrutinized than the initial set. With that in mind, please understand that these tracks have significant flaws of their own.

I’ll reel in Lakitu, so we can get back going with these rankings.

#88: GCN Dry Dry Desert

Prior to the release of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, Mario Kart: DoubleDash!! was my personal favorite game in the series.

My least favorite track in the game? Dry Dry Desert.

It should come as no surprise that it is so low on this list. The updated layout added some ramps to trick off of in the opening S-corners that get added throughout the race, which is a cool addition.

Though it does challenge the idea of this course being a “dry dry desert”, I also enjoy the oasis at the end over what was there in the original version of the track because the slower sand in the original made little sense.

However, removing Petey Piranha from the center of the quicksand pit and the dust devil that pulls racers in and spits them back out is unforgivable.

To make matters worse, they made the track susceptible to sandbagging. While apt given the scenery, cutting the end of this course is far too easy compared to the racing line. Being in first at the last item box shouldn’t be a death sentence.

Despite all of that, I still find enjoyment in this track due to the layout and still trying to find the right line around the quicksand pit.

Grade: 11/40

#87: Wii DK Summit

I didn’t get a Wii until the early 2010s, and we never managed to grab Mario Kart Wii during that time. As a result, I don’t have any real MKWii nostalgia that seems to plague both Nintendo and fans of this series.

We didn’t need 11 of the 16 nitro tracks from MKWii, and this was easily the worst inclusion of them all.

This track isn’t that good to begin with, not in this game engine.

When half of the online lobbies are filled with people skipping turns to hopefully land the double-gap cut, the track is broken. You should want the players to race on the track, not through the air over massive chasms.

That’s not to say this track is irredeemable and has nothing of note to offer. I enjoy most of the halfpipes and the bumpy section before the hairpins that go unused.

But, a significant portion of the track goes unutilized in competitive play; I cannot get past that. I also don’t like the halfpipes on the final turn because they can somehow send you going the opposite way.

At the end of the day, I would’ve rather had this track sit out and be included in the next Mario Kart game rather than this one where they could’ve built out the halfpipes from the beginning rather than slapping it together in the BCP.

Grade: 12/40

#86: SNES Mario Circuit 3

I won’t spend too much time on this track. It has a good layout for being as flat as it is while offering a fair amount of ways to recover from early-race troubles.

The lack of innovation introduced to this track upsets me. In the original retro courses for this game, they found ways to add modern elements to the track, such as using Ultra Hands to lift up a hairpin at GBA Mario Circuit.

I have fun at this track, but I see no reason why this track made it in when we haven’t had a Choco Island or Vanilla Lake on a console game since 1992.

Grade: 12/40

#85: Wii Wario’s Gold Mine

Another Wii track, yay.

The aim of this track seems to be to recreate a roller coaster with a gold mine theme, and my god, did they ever miss the mark both times.

I didn’t care for the original when I finally played through MKWii, and I really don’t care for this iteration. Outside of having to force it into the DLC tracks, there’s no good reason for the anti-grav in the mines, and it makes the racing worse.

Having to dodge the mine carts made the racing more exciting in the original version; making them something you can hit and go faster makes the racing worse.

The bats provide a fun obstacle in an otherwise boring stretch, and the split paths at the end are fine and all. At the end of the day, I don’t know what earned this track its place in the original DLC or why it’s here at all.

Grade: 13/40

#84: N64 Toad’s Turnpike

Thinking back to the first time I ever played Mario Kart when I was four years old, Toad’s Turnpike is the track I remember playing on the most because it looked like and felt like a real highway.

Outside of a relatively plain layout, having stage hazards artificially shrinking the track surface made for difficult racing in close quarters that required the player to drive with minimal mistakes in order to win.

I remember the first time I played Mario Kart 8 in high school on the Wii U, brimming with excitement because I saw Toad’s Turnpike got a remake.

Once I got past the initial joy of reconvening with an old friend, I saw how Nintendo elected to change it. I didn’t love what I was seeing.

I don’t mind that the cars are trickable in some cases. I don’t even mind having the walls be anti-grav in all honesty.

What I do mind is how little this track fits the original feel and vision of the N64’s Toad’s Turnpike. Oftentimes, I just ride along the shoulder because it is the quickest way around the track, avoiding all the cars.

In the original, that wasn’t possible. The stage hazards would plow through you at certain points, forcing you between the lanes where you fought for your life.

I still manage to have fun here, but man, I would love to see this track reverted back to something resembling its original vision in a future iteration.

Grade: 13/40

#83: Tour New York Minute

I had a significant appreciation for Paris Promenade from Wave 1 of the BCP, so when I saw that New York City would get its own track, I was pumped.

Wave 2 came out, and New York Minute showed up as the first track in the Turnip Cup. I played through it a bunch to get a feel for it.

I don’t want to sound like a tourist, but I’ve been to New York and to a few of the different boroughs that the city has to offer. This doesn’t feel reflective of the New York City that I’ve come to know.

I hoped that we would drive our karts on the roofs of trucks and cars stuck in standstill traffic, ramping from one vehicle to the next. I hoped we’d visit Coney Island, cross the Brooklyn Bridge, or go down into the subways.

What we got was a weak trip through Central Park, some parked cars on active roadways, and a bunch of focus on Times Square. Lame.

The rainy atmosphere can make the track difficult to find grip on, but that’s the only positive I can give it. Ending the race driving through a parking garage in a town where people hardly drive feels so disappointing.

Grade: 13/40

#82: Rainbow Road

This is the single worst Rainbow Road.

I don’t feel good saying that because I always look forward to getting a new Mario Kart game to see what the ultimate challenge is supposed to look like.

The direction Nintendo went with to create this track confounds me. Don’t misunderstand me: I don’t mind the space station concept because most of the course is still (say it with me, everyone) a rainbow road.

At 200cc, this track is difficult, which I enjoy immensely. I have been the victim of pushing too hard in the opening turns and falling to my doom. This hardly happens on 150cc, though.

Not only that, the split-path system breaks down on this course from the existence of The Jump. If you’ve played online, you know what I’m talking about.

This track just doesn’t live up to being a Rainbow Road, and a significant shortcut breaks it.

Grade: 13/40

#81: Tour Tokyo Blur

I’ve never been to Tokyo, so I can’t possibly speak on how well this track captures the essence of Tokyo or Japan as a whole for that matter.

Honestly, it just feels like driving on some roads, which is pretty lame.

Included in wave 1 of the BCP, this track opens up the Lucky Cat Cup, and it is certainly the easiest of these four tracks. In that regard, I guess it accomplished that key goal.

Outside of that, there’s not much to say. The layout is fine, but it reveals unforeseen flaws of these Tour tracks.

For instance, a key staple of a good Mario Kart track is how littered the track looks on the third lap from items being laid down. With tracks that shift layouts every lap, that core piece of the game is removed.

And, for what?

When a track is this visually uninteresting, you have to wonder why this track was created and included at all. The final lap is the best part of the track because of the final highway section. Easily one of the blandest tracks in the series.

Grade: 14/40