The Wide World of Dirt

With four cups worth of tracks off the table and rightly discarded, let’s proceed to the top-80, starting with a Super Mario Kart classic.

#80: SNES Rainbow Road

Commonly known as the original final boss of the Mario Kart series, the rail-less Rainbow Road from Super Mario Kart made its return in MK8DX as the second course in the Triforce Cup.

I wouldn’t call the return triumphant for a few reasons.

First and foremost, this track is second of four tracks in its Cup, making it oddly singled out by Nintendo when you consider every other Rainbow Road in MK8DX sits firmly in the fourth slot.

On top of that, what made this track difficult in its initial iteration is taken away in this modern remake: the narrowness of the track. Even on 200cc, racers don’t need to hit the brakes around this track unless they’re a heavier character.

Worst of all, there isn’t anything new added to the track, making it feel like it was included for the sake of having the original Rainbow Road in the game.

There are few things I despise more than doing something for the sake of tradition, and that’s exactly what happened here.

The track isn’t challenging or altered in any interesting way like some of its other SNES counterparts, making it stick out like Mario Circuit 3.

Grade: 15/40

#79: GBA Mario Circuit

Before I dive into reviewing this track, I should point out that I have nothing against this track and pick it quite often in lobbies. It’s a fun circuit to drive!

At the end of the day though, it’s a circuit track, the second retro track in the entire game. It’s just not challenging in any way, but that’s okay.

The music on this track goes crazy, and the visuals are a stark improvement over its original version on the Game Boy Advance. For instance, having the Ultra Hands lift up the hairpin as an anti-grav section was magnificent.

I love the additions of all the tire barriers and oil slicks, but the track itself and its layout don’t really do a whole lot. And, again, that is perfectly okay for the second retro course in the entire game. It just won’t earn a high grade here because of it.

Grade: 15/40

#78: SNES Donut Plains 3

Full disclosure: I disliked this track for eight years.

Its inclusion in the game baffled me to no end. Why are we racing on this flat, boring trail when we have tracks like Mount Wario?

Then, I started playing online in 2022 after the first BCP wave dropped, and my mind slowly changed.

It took me eight years to consider using the water path to get around the hairpin, which is a bit embarrassing to admit. I also prioritized swapping out of items a lot while in first at that time.

As I matured as a player of the game, I grew to have a fondness for this goofy little trail of a track. I enjoy how it incorporated the water hazards from the original and made them a usable part of the track surface.

The wet section at the end of the track is a great wrinkle that can determine the outcome of races as well as how drivers navigate around the Monty Moles.

Overall, this track is solid and looks good, but its relative flatness holds it back from being ranked higher on this list.

Grade: 15/40

#77: Electrodrome

I might receive blowback for this track’s low standing, but it’s my list. You don’t have to like it or agree.

Too many people get caught up in the visuals of this track that they forget about how painfully boring it is to drive.

The diverging paths are admittedly a neat element. I like that a Bob-omb or a blue shell explosion on the top route can adversely affect the racers on the bottom route as well as the big plaza you land in after the second glider section.

That said, it doesn’t move me at all.

The music doesn’t make me excited to race here. The bedazzled Piranha Plants do nothing for me. It all feels like an ode to a bygone era, and after racing on it for 11 years, I’m really just sick of it.

I don’t even remember liking it when the game first released on the Wii U. It’s just a snooze after the first 10 times I played it.

Grade: 16/40

#76: Tour London Loop

I’ll preface this review by saying that I have not travelled to London, but I have watched a number of movies and television shows that take place in London. I have done research on London to get a sense of the city.

There is not much about this track that feels like London to me.

Some stationary double-decker buses, the London Bridge, and Big Ben blending into the environment after the finish line. Big whoop.

I associate London Loop with having a lack of ambition, as I do with much of the lower-tier Tour tracks.

For all the scenic wonders that exist in this great city (Buckingham Palace, the London Eye, Westminster Abbey, etc.), this track hardly interacts with any of them, pawning them off to the side as part of the non-playable environment.

The best Tour tracks took advantage of the cities they were inspired by, and Nintendo lacked inspiration in this track’s layout and execution. London Loop did receive bonus points for its song, however.

Grade: 16/40

#75: Mario Kart Stadium

When this game was initially released, it was the first of just 32 tracks, kicking off the Mushroom Cup in style by featuring splitting paths, anti-grav, and gliding.

It’s a classic circuit track with some solid Mario Kart 8 Deluxe spins on it that give it an edge over tracks like this game’s Mario Circuit.

The layout and difficulty aren’t anything to write home about, but it’s a nice, inviting circuit that helps new players learn the controls of the game while taking in small bites of what awaited them in the next 31 tracks.

Now that the game has received a metric ton of DLC, this track receives unnecessary dismay from series fans, which I don’t really understand.

It is the very first track you play. Lower your standards and just have some fun!

Grade: 18/40

#74: Twisted Mansion

For all the tracks in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe that I initially disliked, this is one that has grown on me the most because I used to revile Twisted Mansion.

As I started to grit my teeth to make this exhaustive ranking, I realized that this track does a lot of things right for a course that’s only the third track in the Flower Cup.

You speed directly into the mansion’s hallowed halls, complete with a wavy carpet that allows you to trick off of it. You go around a banked turn (unless you duck through the library!) before being met by a watery chasm.

Not only is this an anti-gravity section, it’s underwater, one of the first blends of two mechanics in the entire game. After holding your breath through super tight bends, you get spit out into the courtyard on your glider.

The paths split here: a longer downstairs portion that allows players to generate a drift boost faster and a tighter upstairs portion that is quicker for more experienced players that can drift anywhere.

The real problem with this track that nobody wants to elaborate on is its packaging. It’s a mansion that’s haunted! We immediately think of Luigi’s Mansion because of that.

If this track was called Twisted Library, it would receive more appreciation from the community, but instead, it’s given the side eye more often than not.

Grade: 19/40

#73: Mute City

While I know that a ranking below 50% sounds like I’m calling this track mid, I promise you that’s not exactly the whole story.

Most of my disdain for this track stems from online racing where you can hardly catch up after getting hit in the wrong spot on lap 1 due to all of this track’s boost panels.

It’s literally Mute City from F-Zero! That’s really cool, and it’s faithfully recreated!

I should like it more, but as a Mario Kart track, it just isn’t as good outside of 200cc where it is super fun for the second half of the lap.

Having hardly any way to recover through the first part of the course brings this one down this list for me because it’s one of the few tracks that you can lose the race on lap 1, and I personally don’t care for that.

Grade: 19/40